Does making decisions scare you? Do you often find yourself paralyzed when confronted with certain decisions?
The following monolog is an outward, verbal expression of how I felt a while ago, while trying to make a decision that took me too long to make….In the end, I wasn’t sure if waiting that long had helped in any way. More often than not, waiting long does not help.
I had a long, intuitive conversation with the sold soul of someone I used to care about. I had many questions to ask this sold soul…. questions that had been left unanswered, while Ego, the ruler of this soul, was preparing a perfect pitch to sell it. This “intuitive”dialog I’m about to share with you, as the description suggests, occured at a place I visit very often. This place is my intuition….. and here’s how it went:
some people feel some others think some use their logic some instinct
some trust their heart some trust their mind some trust their vision yet they’re blind
some people listen others don’t some will remember some just won’t
people are like arid land nothing will grow in them they’re
some find things good some find things great some tell you now some are afraid
some know and say it others wait some insinuate some state
some want to be where good things are some go and wish upon a star
some say it loud some say it clear some have a thought that’s not to hear
some play for time make others wait to see them doubt and hesitate
some are a pal some are a friend some mean to be some just pretend
some can just look right in the eyes they know the truth but they tell lies
some see a face ignore the head just like the book they never read
some seem to be in full control but deep inside they play a role
want to look like they don’t care pretend they’re
calm inside the flare
some fill their time with this and that thinking they’re happy but they’re sad
some cover tracks they’ve left behind them thinking that others will not find them
some look so calm on the outside what’s burning them they now must hide
some cannot be vulnerable to them it’s not honorable
some never say just what they mean filthy with lies yet look so clean
think it’s best to keep it locked until one day they run
some hide their urge to say it loud to voice their thoughts to share their doubts
some think no one will figure out just who they are what they’re about
some choose the dark instead of sun then they get lost it’s no more fun
some arid lands will die in drought some might be saved by a rainy cloud!
me: I rest my case.
I am not sure how to exactly describe the way this dialog made me feel. All I can say is that when it was over, my own soul, my own wise counsel encouraged me to continue visiting the place I feel very connected to, i.e. my intuition, and appreciate my very clean place called my “conscience”, where I can sleep like a baby.
What is time? Isn’t it just an illusion? Or is it a mental construct so we can structure our daily madness and put it in a ridiculous frame?
We think of time as having three distinct parts: past, present, future. If you think about it, past is only a collection of memories of events once experienced. We no longer experience them as we speak, but can only remember them. And future is a theory, waiting to become present, until then, only a dread or dream (rings a bell? trick or treat? Laughs…..yes sort of….) We can certainly project what the future may be like, and the forecast will vary depending on how positive or negative we are.
Objectively speaking, there is no past and no future. They simply do not exist. All we have is the present. As long as we don’t appreciate the present and take it as a „present“ we should be grateful for, we will forever be haunted by the past and desperately chasing the future! Not a very conducive or happy state to be in, is it?
But for the sake of understanding, let me use the construct of time: past, present, future, to explain what I mean.
It’s actually always now!
The present is ever changing. Your time is always now, yet constantly changing. Watch manufacturers might not be happy hearing this, but all clocks and watches should be showing „now“! Yeah, well, we can’t do this because we all live in the mental prison of time, and need to tend to appointments, deadlines and meetings. We are slaves to our own mental constructs. We all are, more or less. I’m not going to suggest you should all live watchless, clockless, clueless or oblivious to timetables and schedules.
Tic, toc, you’re on the clock!
To live in this confined world with its confining rules, we need to get along with its limiting structures, or else we should consciously decide to become a monch and live on the top of some mountain with serendipity and no wifi (laughs….). Don’t worry…that’s not what I’m suggesting here. But there is an in-between. We can all wear our watches and tend to our daily schedules as usual, yet keep in mind that the present moment is where we should put our focus. And the best way to start this is to:
Put your ass in the past! (oops…pardon my French!)
Now you might be laughing……your ass off! Ass in the past? Seriously? Yes! Seriously. Physically speaking your bottom is in the posterior position,…especially when you’re walking, walking fast or even more so, when you’re running, it will be even more pushed in the posterior position. Forward movement is future, not past. So as you are moving forward, your rear end will ASSume (laughs…) its usual posterior position, and that’s exaclty where the past is and should stay! You get it? If you notice, no matter what it is you’re doing, or where it is you’re going, your rear end will always be in the posterior position, even here and now! Needless to say, your past is the perfect space alotted to you rear end! Why? Because:
There is no future in the past!
As we were growing up, we were told by our parents that there is no future without a past. Not just our parents, our societies and institutions. Looks like everybody’s out there to shove this idea into you! (pardon my less than gentle expression today….). Nations go to war because of the past. People kill each other because they live in the past. The past can do more damage than good. There is no future in the past! That is that! Giving attention to your past can hold you back in life, hurt your present and ruin your future. The only thing you can do is to accept it, learn from it and move on.
Whether the past events are happy or sad, you cannot relive or change them. If they were happy, remember them quickly, and let them sweeten your present. If they were sad, do not dwell in them thinking what you could have done to prevent them. The gist of what I am saying is, no matter what kind of a past you are giving your attention to, it is certainly taking you away from your present moment. Dwelling in past events can hinder your growth and stop you from thriving in the now.
The more you dwell in the past, the more you’ll be missing out on your present, which is a present given to you! Don’t ignore this present. Keep your head and thoughts for the future. But remember, you should not let your mind rule over your heart. Your heart is the big boss, and your head is the executive assistant. (laughs….). You need your heart to enjoy the present. If your heart (the big boss) can’t enjoy the present, it will be a nasty boss and won’t let the executive assistant (your head) make good decisions for the future! You see the dynamics between the two?
Caveat: Don’t put your head in your ass!
(Oops pardon my French again – yes I am indeed fluent in French!…laughs….)
Let me caution you: Whatever it is you are doing, please…..I repeat: Please do not put your head in the past! It is like putting your head in your ass (laughs….). Your head should be put in the future, not the past. Remember, the past is where your ass is! There IS NO FUTURE IN THE PAST. Ask any scientist, and they will prove this to you with some fancy quantum bla bla! So, this is where you put your head:
Put your head in the future.
Physically speaking, when we are going somewhere, if we’re walking, our head is slightly in the anterior position, more so if we’re running. Going somewhere means stepping forwards, which means towards the future. We need a head for future plannings. No plans means no perspective. Beware though!! Too many plans means no present moment. Putting your head in the future means you use your head just about enough to make plans for your future, without letting it burden you so much that it will override the enjoyment of the present.
Uncertainty can lead to a lot of distress. How you feel about your unknown future is all your choice, though. You can dread or dream! All up to you. You can imagine the best possible outcome or the worst. If you choose the best, you will enable yourself to move forward with more confidence, which fuels passion, and passion fuels inspiration, both of which make you happy. If you choose to dread the worst, you will only burden yourself with distress and anxiety! Needless to say, the decisions we make in a happy state of mind are always much better than the ones we make in 3D: distress, desperation and dread. You can dream of a rainbow or dread a thunderstorm! You will see where self-fulfilling prophecy will eventually take you! And when it does, you got no one and nothing to blame but yourself! Just saying! If you are wise enough to make yourself some enjoyable present moments that make your heart happy (even if your present circumstances seem to be less than happy, go ahead and make room for happy breaks), you will be able to make better decisions. Some of the best long-term decisions I made in my life where made in the midst of some happy moments, in which my heart gave a clear signal to my head to go ahead and make the final decision. Even though at the time of the decision I might have been in an overall unfortunate and gloomy situation, I still made some room for some happy moments that could help my heart give my head the green light with clear discernment.
Let your head envision and do a little bit of daydreaming for you. If you allow your heart to be the big boss, and let this big boss enjoy the present, it will definitely give your head some lee-way! This will allow your head to plan in a conducive state of confidence. If you allow your head to be the big boss instead, you’ll be running…and it will be a rat race, and a quite nasty one at that! You will lose in life. That’s why we say:
Put your heart in the present.
Again, physically speaking, if we are standing still, our head AND heart are neither in the posterior nor anterior position. They are right here (and right now!). If you want to be right here and right now, don’t run! Let your heart savor the present moment. Let it feel and appreciate it. If it’s not enjoyable, it will be part of the past in a blink of an eye and lose its relevance. Likewise, if it is enjoyable, it will still be part of the past in a blink of an eye. So pick and choose. My advice is to choose now!
Don’t be Mr/Ms Right, Be Mr/Ms Right Now!
No one has only bad times. No one’s present time is only full of unenjoyable moments. Everyone has some enjoyable moments they can be grateful for. Even if you are a prisoner of war and are being tortured on the daily (no offence and please do not sue me for saying this), there is that short pause where you can get 6 drops of water and a piece of old bread, and no torture…..you can enjoy that short pause….Everything is relative. Now let me speak to the mind of a pessimistic person who seems to know the world better and claims to be right with a high IQ and all that good stuff leading to his/her own detriment……. let’s call him/her Mr/Ms Right: Even if life were only full of sufferings, there are still little pauses in between. So dear Mr/Ms Right: if that’s how you see life, you can still appreciate and enjoy those moments you are not suffering. If you do this long enough, you will make your transformation from Mr/Ms Right to Mr/Ms Right Now!
I don’t think most of my readers are a or have been a prisoner of war, or even worse, a prisoner of their own mind….like Mr/Ms Right! (please don’t hate me if you happen to be one! – I am sweet and blunt!). By now, I have a feeling you know what I mean. The gist of what I’m saying is: no matter what your circumstance, you can still choose to enjoy bits of the present you find enjoyable. Be here and now. And believe me….I don’t claim to know it all. In fact, I don’t really know things…I feel them. My big heart happens to be the big boss in my realm, not my head. You got me? All I want and desire to be is now and right now. And if you tried it too, you would enjoy your new identity!
You snooze, you lose!
you wait for the perfect moment to arrive, your moment will be
perfected and you will have missed it! Perfection means completion.
That’s what the expression „you snooze, you lose“ means. It
simply means: keep waiting long enough for the perfect moment, and
the moment will be gone, because you were in it (underline were
) and are no longer! Living in the now does not exclude planning for
the future. I can’t stress that enough. It means you let your heart
enjoy the present, whatever part of it is worth enjoying, and let
your head make some plans for the future, all the while, letting your
heart rule! I cannot re-iterate that enough, either! Guess you got it
Before I end this article let me tell you this one: you have no idea how relieved you will feel once you are free from the past and unburduned by the future (unless you do have an idea! Laughs…..) That is how you can finally enjoy this present you are given every present moment! Open this present and enjoy it! It’s yours……and Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays! 😉 ….and to myself: Happy Birthday November-Sagittarius! 🙂
When someone does something nice for you, the urge of reciprocity, as a human being, kicks in. You feel like you need and want to give back in return. You are well aware that you don’t have to, yet you feel compelled to reciprocate. But what if you keep giving and the other person rarely gives back, or if they do, you wish they never did? Likewise, observing someone else’s pain can evoke feelings of sadness or even pain in you. Now how do you feel if someone witnesses your pain and hurt and feels nothing? If you are going or have gone through this experience, don’t beat yourself up! It’s not you, it’s them. They have EDD (Empathy Deficit Disorder). Continue being you, and don’t stop giving to others. Trust that there are many, many people out there who do not have EDD (sigh of relief….. 🙂 ). Just cut EDD people out of your life, if you can.
Some people brighten up your life, some others darken it. Some would go the extra mile to make you smile, others could care less if you cried or laughed….or were run over by a bus! Some relationships enrich you and some others drain you and make you feel less-than. If you find yourself dealing with people who don’t take your emotions and feelings into consideration and don’t seem to be able to put themselves in your shoes, you are most definitely dealing with people who lack empathy, i.e. those with EDD, Empathy Deficit Disorder.
It’s true that humans are wired up a certain way. Some of our most predominant attributes are a blessing or curse of nature bestowed upon us. However, our families and the way we were brought up also play a major role in how we develop those blessings or curses of nature. Empathy is one of them. Let’s call it a blessing. Some people are by nature very empathetic, and some aren’t. Whatever the level of empathy of a given person, it is to a great extent shaped by the ennvironement they grew up in. People with no empathy at all were obviously born with EDD.
However, people with low empathy were most probably raised in families who were not in touch with their feelings or perhaps even condemned such displays. This can go as far as gradually learning to shut down their feelings as they grow up, to such a degree that they close off their hearts to even themselves.
EDD people, whether born with this disorder or acquired through their upbringing, can simply not relate to or feel other people’s feelings. They just don’t pay attention to other people’s feelings and emotions because they are too focused on themselves to care about what is happening to others. Even if you tell them how your are feeling, they will still show little to no interest. This attribute in them makes them very untrusting individuals over time. Empathatic people develop trust by connecting to others through feelings and emotions. If no such connection is made, there will be no trust. Thus EDD people are almost always very skeptical and untrusting. This leads to more doubt and skepticism in them, and the vicious circle continues. Here’s how it goes: EDD= no interest in feelings + no connection to feelings + no compassion towards others….which will lead to doubt, skepticism and lack of trust. You still want to stick around them? Well good luck! My advice, however, would be to:
1. Avoid dealing with them!
you absolutely don’t have to be around an EDD person, don’t be
around them. Remove yourself from their surroundings. Any contact
with them will damage you, especially if they are family or extended
family. The closer your relationship to them, the more it will hurt
you to be around them. My advice is to run away from them as speedily
as you possibly can. Save yourself.
And if for some unfortunate reason you HAVE to deal with them, my next advice would be:
By doing this, you can get off the emotional roller coaster. It’s not about you. Remind yourself that they are the ones that have a problem connecting emotionally with others. There’s nothing wrong with you! It would be like showing Monet’s Sea Roses painting to a blind person and expecting them to see it and enjoy the beauty of it. Or like wondering why a deaf person is not enjoying Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata! (with all due respect to the deaf and the blind). Do you see what I mean? Don’t do this to yourself!
These people are simply disconnected. None of their wires connects to feelings. That’s where their disconnection is. It’s as if they had a hole in their soul. Now some people might be partly so. EDD, like all other disorders, comes in different intensities. Regardless of the intensity or stage of EDD, I strongly recommend that you:
3. Reduce your talks to facts with them.
Instead of talking to them about how you feel, or how something they did or said made you feel, talk about facts and what you think. It’s easier to communicate this way because they don’t know how to feel blame, shame, guilt or even joy. They’re stoic. They’re blank faces. And if you expect them to, it will only frustrate and drain you further. Stick to facts, and for love of sanity:
4. Do not try to make them understand your feelings.
If you are trying to instill empathy in an EDD person, good luck! It would be a total waste of time and energy. It will harm and damage you, plus it will make them more angry and impatient with you.
And if you are among the lucky ones who don’t live or have to deal with them, do something more drastic such as:
5. Cut them out of your life.
Cut them off if you can. This world is full of people. Some you were born in a family with, some become family, some are friends, some are co-workers and some are just out there dealing with you (pick your scenario). But no one, I repeat: no one is so essential to your life that you have to let them stick around and slight and hurt you all they can, just because they can’t feel it themselves!
Remember: if you cut off an EDD, the EDD himself/herself won’t suffer. They won’t even care! So why wait? Cut them off. But if you have to work or somehow deal with them, if there is absolutely a must, apply number 2, 3, and 4.
And if you are among the unfortunate who have had to deal with such people in the past and are now careful with and afraid of and guarded against other people, remind yourself to:
6. Nurture relationships with people who do have empathy.
There are many people with empathy out there. Don’t lose hope. Not everyone is there to hurt and slight you. When you do get to know empathetic people, spend time with them, trust them and let them make you feel safe so that you can feel comfortable sharing your inner world and your feelings with them. Allow them. Simply allow them. Let them in. Also let them share their feelings with you. Don’t let your past experiences with an EDD person prevent you from trusting and connecting with others. It is neither fair to you nor the new people you are connecting with.
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.” — C. JoyBell C.
Do you sometimes feel weighed down, finding it hard to just get up and go? If you could just find the source of what is bogging you down, things would be a hell of a lot easier, wouldn’t it? Well, let me tell you…things ARE easier, if you just let them be. All you have to do is release the psychic weight. Here, I’ve got three simple tips on how to release this weight.
Laughter is a medicine. I am sure it’s not the first time you’ve heard this. Laughter boosts your mood, lightens your burdens, inspires your thoughts, pushes away negative emotions, connects you to your soul, keeps you energized, and gives you that powerful push called your „oomph“! It costs nothing and you don’t have to schedule an appointment to get to it. All you have to do is to do it. And the easiest way to just do it is by seeking out opportunities for humor and laughter. You can improve your emotional health, your relationships with all sorts of people, and find greater happiness….this might help you live a little longer, healthier, and a lot happier! Laughter might not only add a few years to your life, it will definitely add life to your years!
Medically speaking, experts say: „laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can in turn protect you against heart attack and other cardiovascular problems….“ Now, seeing from my point of view and experience, laughing connects you to your heart, your soul, and your spirit. This is me…this is how I look at things. So feel free to laugh now! I am glad I can give people a reason to laugh. You see, people who don’t laugh, or laugh rarely, have a closed heart, not just to others but also to themselves. That medically proven „increased bloodflow“, I believe, also increases your own state of „flow“. When you laugh, you are in the moment. When you are wholeheartedly laughing, you can’t possibly be thinking about a past grudge, or some jerk, or stormy weather. You get me? Laughing puts you in „the flow“. And well, it doesn’t just, as seen from the doctor¹s point of view, „protect you against heart attack“, it also protects others from being attacked BY YOU! (Laughs….) If you laugh, you cannot be angry. Laughter and anger are oxymorons. People who laugh, I mean truly laugh- I’m not talking about sarcastic laughers! Caveat! Those guys are nasty! I am talking about people who laugh from the bottom of their heart- think about those people…they are friendly, kind and pleasant to be around. They help you get into your „flow“ and stay in it. If you get to know such people, by all means let them flow your boat….and happy smooth sailing! Surrounding yourself by people who laugh more often than not will also help you feel lighter. Remember: you don’t stop laughter because you’ve grown older…you grow older because you’ve stopped laughing!
2. Be kind and giving, not just to others but also to yourself!
Kindness makes you happy and happiness makes you kind! When you give with no ulterior motive and only out of the goodness of your heart, you will feel a sense of high. Kind people are happy and high on life. When you are happy and high on life, you feel light. I cannot reiterate that enough. You can only feel that lightness if you get there. So if you want to do something that helps you get there, being kind is a very fast and efficient way. If you take a look at unkind people, you will see that they are unhappy and bitter. It shows in their face. They look mean and angry. They don’t look like they are enjoying where they are, which makes them impatient and rough to others. Kind people enjoy helping others and never feel robbed of their time. They don’t get impatient with others because they love to give and help. And that makes them feel lighter. Kind people have an aura of innocence around them. It almost makes them look childlike. Very true. The younger a person looks for their age, the kinder they are.
Now I know, those readers who know me, are now thinking I mean myself, because I am way older than my looks show. I shamelessly admit to that. And I bluntly put myself forward as a suitable example (Laughs….). I consider myself, with all my flaws, warts and all, a kind person. So, without much further ado, or any doctor’s quote, take a look at me and remember how kindness makes you high and look younger!
Bitterness and anger make you look older than your age. Now there is nothing wrong with looking old. We all get old and older. It’s a natural process. It’s life. However, looking „older“ than your age, is not a natural process. People who look older, don’t laugh, don’t do silly things, don’t do kind things (or if they do it’s calculated), always look serious, and look at life as something to take care of, not a blessing to treasure and to live. These people have little to no room for kindness, not even towards themselves. In other words, kindness is a BS they got no time for. Acts of generosity, if ever engaged in, are not random to them. Everything is planned and calculated. Nothing is heartfelt or stems from a heart space. These people can’t give, and if they have to, it¹s because they have to. These people look older than their age. I rest my case with a big, fat smile……from the bottom of that very large space called my kind heart! 🙂
3. Do a Grudge Sale!
Don’t hold a grudge! Bottling up negative emotions against a person makes you feel as heavy as lead! It’s an unnecessary weight, pulling you down. This doesn’t mean you should ignore your hurt feelings. It simply means you should not dwell in them and let the person who has hurt you occupy your precious mind. If someone has hurt you, acknowledge the act, feel the feelings it gives you, express the emotions it has left you with, and then let it go. Close the chapter and sell your story to the devil. If the person comes for an apology, fair enough. If they feel really sorry, give them a chance to explain and let them repent. It might do them good. And because you’re kind, you will let them repent. If they’re not sorry for what they have done, it’s obviously because they’re not sorry for what they’ve done. In that case, stay away from them and do not dewell in your negative emotions towards them. Put up a sign for Grudge Clearance Sale!You don’t have to forgive anyone but yourself. Do that. Forgive yourself, realease the anger and or sadness….go for a grudge sale! You will feel lighter after selling all your grudge to the devil.
Now there are many other things you can do to feel lighter, I mean emotionally, of course, not physically (Laughs….) . But if I were to name too many of them here, you would probably lose interest and stop reading. Let that be my next piece of advice, which is:
Welcome minimalism into your life.
To be a minimalist, you’re going to have to accept living with less than 150 things. Basically, you decide NOT to have it all. It doesn’t mean you can’t have it all. It just means that you make a conscious choice of reduction. You simply pick a few things that are quintessential to your happiness, and make sure you have them. Then you get rid of the rest. And believe me, we don’t need 150 things to be happy (or was I too modest and you were thinking 1000 things??). Same is true when trying new things. I only chose 3 pieces of advice for you to consider because once we are overwhelmed by too many things, people and ideas, we start rejecting them. It’s like having a huge house with a lot of luxury items, closets full of fancy clothes, safe full of fancy watches and jewlry, cellar full of wine, car full of high-tech gadgets, office full of state-of-the-art equiment, and so on and so forth. You get the picture. Once you have too many things, you won’t be able to take one and enjoy that one fully. And believe me, there is nothing wrong with material possessions. What happens often, though, is that you end up assigning too much importance to them….to the detriment of your relationships, your passions and love for yourself and others. You’ll skip or ignore many other things, people and ideas in search of more and more things, people and ideas. Reducing your options gives you peace of mind and a lot of happiness, freedom and lightness. You will then find time and focus left for what really matters. Having too much of everything means you are spreading yourself too thin, yet not getting much of anything.
By the same token, you don’t need to know 101 ways to feel lighter within. If you can only try 3, there is a good chance you will get there…..faster than you think.
Life is a continuous exercise of trust. If you want to achieve somewhat of a peaceful existence, you will have to exercise some trust. This trust is linked to an expectation of positive rather than negative outcomes. By detaching yourself from a specific outcome, though, and releasing worry about when and how that outcome will appear, you can allow yourself to take a leap of faith. A leap of faith will not tell you when and what exactly…it just reassures you that all will be good in the end.
Making decisions in your life could mean facing the fear of the unknown. Ultimately, if your desire is to make a change, you will have to face the unknown which requires you to take a leap of faith. A leap of faith can only be taken if you have a strong conviction that your current path is not where you would like to be on. Obviously, you are going to have „faith“ not doubt, if you are about to take this leap. That faith is an inner knowing, not knowledge! Knowledge clouds your discernment into thinking that you know it all, which will bombard you with false alarms. Knowledge comes from experience, which could be a heavy baggage from past mistakes, hindering you from making new choices and decisions. Knowing, on the other hand, guides you towards a new path. Where does that inner knowing come from? I believe it comes from a basic belief in yourself and trusting in your intuition. When you believe in yourself, when you wholeheartedly believe that you do deserve better things than your current path is offering you, you will also admit to yourself that you love yourself. That love, that trust, and that belief in yourself is what this „faith“ is all about. This faith will let you know that good things WILL happen if you simply allow them.
Now from a linguistic vantage point, let’s consider the root of the verb decide. Cide derives from the Latin word caedere which means to kill or to cut off. There are more words with the same root such as: suicide, homocide, pesticide, and a zillion more. This is how I personally look at making a decision: When I’m deciding, I am killing and cutting off all other options. For instance, if I choose one job over 3 others, I have basically cut off or killed all other options, figuratively speaking, of course! To me, this cutting off requires you to not only cut off other options but also from a specific outcome. What’s important is envisioning an overall picture of your desired outcome. What’s also crucial is not worrying about the when and the how. Set your intention into motion, take the necessary steps, and allow it to happen. This has always worked for me. I have rarely faced a perpetual analysis paralysis in my whole life. Of course, there have been times when I was unsure about my decisions, but my nature is such that I dread stalling. So I ultimately cut off other options and take one, and most times end up happy in the end. You don’t need balls….look at me….I am a female! (laughs….). All you need is trust. Trust in yourself. Cut off from a specific outcome, cut off all other options, stick to what your inner knowing tells you to do, don’t worry about the exact details of the outcome, simply allow it to happen……that is that!
Doubting is not different than standing in your own way. Doubting is self sabotage. After all, it’s called a „leap of faith“ not „leap of doubt“ … (laughs….). Bear in mind that you can never be a 100% sure that things will pan out exactly the way you envision. That’s why it is very important that your decision will not involve a meticulous plan. You don’t have to know every detail. In fact, in most cases not everything will go according to a perfect set of details. What you need to have is an overall picture of what you would like to achieve and let the rest unfold as you are sitting back and having faith. A leap of faith does not mean you have blind faith, though. It means you have a very strong desire, some doubt and uncertainty, albeit, yet keep a positive outlook and expect positive results. If you let fear and doubt rule you, what can I say? You will end up letting fear and doubt rule you! What do fear and doubt do to you?
Fight, flight and freeze mode
Being ruled by fear and doubt will most likely put you in a perpetual fight, flight or freeze mode……getting you no where. When you go through the process of making decisions, you might find yourself torn between two or multiple options. If you are ruled by fear and doubt, you will be stuck in one of the following modes:
fight: you will resist the decision and stick to what you have at hand. Sticking to what you have at hand and fighting the decision will not make you happier, or else, why did you have to make a decision to begin with? If you find yourself facing a fork in the road, it alrady implies the necessity of making a decision. Fighting it will keep you behind that fork, perpetually, and you will forever be wondering if you should have made a choice. The person who resists making a decision is, no doubt, lacking faith.
flight: you will run away from the decision, which is not much different than denying the desire to change. Denying your wishes also leads to discontent and depression. Forgiving yourself for denying your wishes is a very long and painful process. This process is so much work that you would wish you had never cowardly run away from making the decision. If you choose flight over making a decision, you obviously lack faith.
freeze: you will stall because you are overthinking. Overthinking holds you back from making any decision and eats up your willpower. Not only that, it puts you in a think mode rather than a feel mode. Yes, we all need our gray matter, but let me tell you. You have to feel the outcome of your decision, if you want to take a step towards making that decision. Thinking only helps after you have felt it. Once you feel the overall outcome (not the details – put details aside….don‘t try to determine them….you canNOT control the details!), you can use your gray matter to help you take the necessary steps. Overthinking is nothing but analysis paralysis and a painful state at that. If you let doubt rule you, you will not listen to your inner voice and let your inner knowing guide you towards the path you truly seek. Doubtful, skeptical individuals are ruled by the fear of regret and remorse of making a bad decision, only to find out that more often than not, the decisions they did not make led to more remorse and regret than the ones they made. Doubtful people forget that making no decision is also a decision….only a bad one! Doubtful people lack faith.
people ask me where my home is, I don’t give them a country, city,
or street address, unless I am applying for a visa to Russia!
I tell them my home
is someone giving me a reason to stay and some place that makes me
want to go back to every day. Home is the feeling of being welcomed,
loved and able to let your guard down. This is why home is not a
place, but a feeling.
One of the basic human needs is feeling safe, not just physically but also emotionally. There are many things that can make a person or space feel unsafe. We can go from obviously threatening situations such as riots, wars, dangerous killers, or animals to more subtle, nonetheless complicated situations such as unsettled relationships, unfamiliar faces and surroundings, unloving people and empty faces. Yes empty faces are extremely unsettling, and when you feel unsettled, fear begins to take over and you feel unsafe. You can live in the safest country in the world, with the least dangerous and most seemingly peaceful person or people on this planet, yet feel very unsafe, i.e. emotionally unsafe. And if that’s how unsafe you feel, you have no home. Home is not a place, it’s a feeling. Anyone or anything that stands in your way of feeling safe and disrupts your sense of security is only an obstacle in building that foundation you call your home. Before you consult a real estate agent for the perfect white picket fence home, try removing all those obstacles which are the real reaon why you don’t have a home! Just saying!
Own that castle in the sky!
Most people believe home to be a physical place providing structure and external stability. But what is home? If you look in a dictionary it says: „The place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.“ Really? Is that home?That’s too technical for my taste. I would prefer to dig way beyond a concrete description. A home is not just an abode we live in, that would be a house. And let me tell you…..a house is not always a home. A home is not built by bricks, wood or whatnot! A home is a feeling of nurturing and love that you can take with you anywhere you go. True to some degree, that roof on your head is in fact the first step towards the foundation of stability, beware though, that’s only the first step. What makes or breaks your home is in fact people that surround you. If you are surrounded by people who radiate contempt, misrust, envy, hostility and emotional unavailability thus making it impossible for you to connect and give and share love, feel free to consider yourself homeless. Home is people who make you feel secure. People who ease your worries because they’re standing next to you. Those that remind you, whatever it is you are going through, you aren’t going through it alone. Those who give you something to want to come back to. Surround yourself with loving, kind, generous and open-hearted and vulnerable people who don’t stonewall you and you will feel like the owner of that castle in the sky! 😉 Take my word for it!
Safety, though, is not always acquired through others. In fact, feeling safe starts from within. It is as much an internal achievement as it is external. So don’t always just look for or rely on others to make you feel safe. To feel really safe, you have to feel safe from within, and the best way to do so is by spending time alone each day. When you spend some time alone, you can be present in your own world and become aware of your own true feelings and tap into your intuition, which can guide you in many, many unsafe places and surroundings, Take some time alone each day and check with yourself and your emotions. Ask yourself questions and give yourself honest answers. Find out what changes are necessary in order for you, yourself, to feel more at peace, serene and safe and at home. Only then can you generously share that feeling of home with another, if you so choose. Remember: if you check you, no one can wreck you…..or your home.
Not solo, yet so low!
This pun was once sadly intended. Let me tell you how. Living with emotionally available people makes you feel very safe. The strength of a person lies within their emotional availability and vulnerability, not their physical strength. The person who loves you, respects you, is there for you, is open, vulnerable and accepting of you, with or without your flaws, that person is very strong and makes you feel safe and strong, and that’s the person you can make feel safe and stronger in return. Unsettled relationships are those that offer no such thing. I lived with a man (my ex) who for the last 3 to 4 years of our marriage made himself emotionally unavailable to me. I can tell you, for one thing, these 3 to 4 years felt like the most insecure and unsafe years of my life to me. We lived in a big house with a big garden, fancy and safe neighborhood in the suburbs, all those everythings that mean nothing……and I felt unsafe, i.e. emotionally unsafe. I lived in a big house, yet had no home. A person who lives within the realms of emotional integrity will not make their emotions unavailable to the one they share a roof and life with. That’s one of the most cruel things to do to a person, especially if they have a long history and family together. That is that. All I can say is: that lack of integrity of emotions leads to one of the most emotionally unsafe environments. Although I wasn’t technically solo, I felt solo and so low! I suffered way too long until I got separated and moved out. Now in a small apartment in the city, I feel the safest I have in the past 4 years. This safety started out in me. I found home in me, and later, I started surrounding myself by those who felt like home, kindred spirits. I feel at home now. I am not sure how long I will be staying in this city apartment, but one thing is for sure, it’s not the place……it’s the feeling. I feel safe….I feel at home.
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If you don’t happen to be Debbie or Gus (seriously guys…), then I am sure you have encountered a Debbie and a Gus at some point in your life, if not just one of each… and you, no doubt, know what they do! Mrs Downer and Mr. Gloomy dampen your mood with negative comments. What does negative really mean? Well….I am not Debbie Downer and I certainly won’t dampen your mood by treating you in a condescending manner. So I will not make a negative comment regarding your question that would make you feel any less. Every question deserves an answer. So let me give you the definition without making you feel bad about asking. In fact, I do encourage you to ask.
According to dictionaires negativity is:
the expression of criticism of or pessimism about something or someone.
a tendency to be downbeat, disagreeable and skeptical.
a pessimistic attitude that always expects the worst.
Now, if I were a Debbie Downer prototype, I would make a sarcastic remark and tell you something like: „seriously?! You don’t know what the word means?“ or: „come on!! Everyone knows what the word means!“ or: „that‘s a stupid question!“ This is one of the ways negative people are negative. They just go around and make others feel LESS THAN. They are condescending, make sarcastic remarks, or behave in an outright rude manner, not knowing the hurt they cause and the negativity they spread.
Is condescension the only way of being negative? Certainly not.
comes in more than 50 shades!
Not only does negativity come in more than 50 shades, it also depends on the shades you’re wearing (pun intended! laughs….). Variety is the spice of life, we’ve all heard that phrase. Well, unfortunately this also applies to negativity. It does come in many shades, shapes and forms. Expressing criticism and pessimism about something or someone could be done in a multitude of ways. If you are wearing the shades of negativity and pessimism, you will see and project negativity and pessimism as you breathe in and out. That simple! Let me share one type of the many shades of negativity with you :
and gloom forecast
Negative thinking could be a chronic condition. It invokes dark, destructive emotions, and can in fact become an addictive habit. When it becomes a habit, it also becomes a comfort zone for the negative person to dwell in. A zone they return to over and over again, because it’s familiar and comforting.
Doom and gloom people lack confidence and faith in everything, including themselves. They live in a constant state of distrust and to some extent anxiety. What a mix! I can’t even fathom what goes inside a doom and gloom person. I assume they suffer quite a bit. But this suffering has its collateral damage! They also make others around them suffer. These people are among us, and it is sometimes hard for us to avoid them…or is it? Whether they’re a family member, a co-worker, neighbhor, or a friend, we need to find ways of avoiding them, or at least not get affected by them. Let me give you my take on the doom and gloom prototype.
First of all, I believe that there is nothing wrong with considering the negative aspects of a situation and sometimes being skeptical. It is in fact a healthy way of making decisions. Weighing pros and cons of any circumstance is something a mature, healthy brain should do. It protects you against potential harm. A reminder to the negative person: positive people do consider the negative side of everything, too. But they will not allow it to rule over them. Being positive must not necessarily mean that you see everything through rose-colored glasses. It means you don’t just selectively see the doom as a first outcome. There is a middle ground. While the pessimist projects gloom by constantly paying attention, remembering and retrieving negative information, the positive individual finds a sliver lining, yet recognizing clouds. Moreover, the positive person focuses on that silver lining, which makes the presence of clouds a bit less stifling!
“The pessimist complains
about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist
adjusts the sails.” -William
Next time you encounter a pessimist projecting their doom and gloom onto you, just remember that they habitually see the dark side of everything. They continuously retrieve negative information from what I call their „negative experience file“, and by referring to that file, they legitimize their lack of confidence in any situation. They don’ t believe that things can change, and by letting this belief rule over them, they don’t allow for change to occur. It is like self-fulfilling prophecy. Positive people see the „less than happy“ situation for what it’s worth and try to change it. Being in a change mode is a positive state. It is the state of hope. It is an encouraging state. It can never be harmful. The worst it can do is to not better the situation, but it will never worsen it. A positive state of mind, as I have experienced, does in most cases lead to a positive outcome.
That is self-fulfilling prophecy too. Now granted….there are some situations that are out of your hands. Not everything is up to you to change. If that’s the case, seeing doom and gloom is definitely not going to make things any better, either. If you are in a situation where you absolutely cannot change the gloomy aspect, because it is out of your hands, you can at least put your focus on something completely different, in order to suffer less. It’s totally up to you. The least thing you can do is to choose to suffer less! Anything wrong with that? If you are a doomer and gloomer, you will defintely find something wrong with this suggestion.
My advice on this: don’t always think of the worst, expect the worst and prepare for the worst! The middle ground has a bit of realistic touch to it. It tells you to: make the best out of your situation by pre-emptively BUT NOT MENTALLY preparing for the worst, yet physically working towards and mentally looking forward to a positive outcome. This makes the whole process of whatever it is you are facing easier for you. If you are in a hot desert and have miles and miles of walk ahead of you, it is advisable to have enough water (physically prepared for the worst) and not to run (not wasting your energy). It is certainly madness to tell yourself how hot it is and that you are not going to make it (negative mental preparation). It is a waste of your energy which can make you more tired and hotter. It does hinder your goal from being attained. Believe me!
Mental preparation of any situation expedites its actualization. Not only that, negative mental preparation puts you in a state of fear and anxiety which kills inspiration and creativity. No matter what situation you are in, there is still a chance that you might be able to find a creative solution. Doom and gloom forecast makes you perpetually fearful and anxious, and takes away that last bit of creativity you might be having from you!
orthodox doomer and gloomer
Now this guy, sees negative aspects even in positive events and situations and focuses on what went wrong in the midst of success! This guy is rotten…seriously! I cannot even begin to write about this type! It’s like writing about a stinking, ugly, poisonous, deadly insect that spits venom! Why would I want to write anything about that? It all goes without saying! Run away from this ill type, avoid their presence…….just vacate their premises! They can and will sting and take you direclty to your doom along with them!
Remove yourself from individuals with this self-destructive behavior, before they take you down with them! As I said in the beginning, I am here to warn the healthy minds, not to spread advice to heal the ill!